What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
