Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
