The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
