Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
