there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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