He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
