The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
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SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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