I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just invented taco cereal.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
