we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
