Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
