I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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