last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
last night I used snow as a chaser
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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