Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
