I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you inspire me to be a worse person
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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