nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
