Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
