I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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