If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
