9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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