Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
