No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize