So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
