Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
