how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
