Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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