I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
