my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
