you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize