I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
