I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
