she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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