YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
