Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
