finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
