First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
