so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
