I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
