I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
