i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
