Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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