First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
