I wish my penis had an off switch
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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