I'm so fucking centered right now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We have started to decorate penises.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
