Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
