Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
