I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
