Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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