I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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