what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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