He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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