is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
