This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My balls are so social today.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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