i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
