so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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