Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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